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Arc Blurb

Well, my Arc blurb is basically done.

It says everything I want to say, but no quite how I want to say it. I'm not sure what I need to change yet, so I'm opening it up to the floor.

Have a look at it, and tell me what you think. All comments and advice listened to, but not necessarily followed.

Edit: I've just changed it due to some others advice. Same location.

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
travisjhall
Sep. 23rd, 2008 08:51 am (UTC)

For a start, "arduous", not "ardious". "Wiped" not "wipped". "Its" not "it's".

If I might attempt a complete rewrite, attempting to retain the spirit of the original (because you are more likely to get inspiration from new stuff than regurgitation of the old...)

But the Spirit of the Land survived. She breathed new life into the remnants of the dead world, and slowly, painfully nurtured new life amongst the rubble.

At first, the survivors lived so primitively that they could not even be called barbarians, but in Her care, they rebuilt, and regrew, and started down the road to civilisation once more.

And after centuries, She found again the spark that might become a God. Three were raised above, the first replacements for the old Gods, dead and gone. Over time more were found, and they too were raised above, in ones and twos, until eventually they numbered 12, each with their domains.

Now, as renewal comes ever faster, still more domains must be tended, and to join the 12 another 12 have been raised

fengshuiguy
Sep. 23rd, 2008 10:49 am (UTC)
Probably my biggest point to make is that I don't know the feel of the game from the blurb, only the subject matter: that it contains gods. A female Spirit of the Land gives some clues as to the feel of things, but it's a hint.

(as someone who hasn't played the other freeforms, the note that it shares themes with two other games doesn't tell me anything - it's much more accessible to just state what those themes are)

I'd want to know what those 24 gods are there for - what's the purpose/aim of the freeform?

Of course, it coudl be that all of that is in there, and I'm dense.
halloranelder
Sep. 23rd, 2008 12:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your advice. I've given it a re-write, and the new version is up at the same location.

As for the other freeforms, since all three are planned to run at Arc next year, I doubt very much you've played them. :)
travisjhall
Sep. 24th, 2008 12:31 am (UTC)

The note is to advise of the connection, not to allow you to draw conclusions based on those other games. They are to be presented as a set (pending Arc approval, of course), though players are welcome to play only one or two if they wish.

We'll turn those references into links in the final version, too, which will help. We just don't have the three blurbs hosted in a coherent structure yet. (All three exist on the web, but Nick hasn't opened his up for public critique. While I'm commenting here in the open, I've got a lot to say about Random's blurb because I'm a co-writer.)

travisjhall
Sep. 23rd, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)

There's a tense switch in paragraph 4. You need to pick either past or present tense for it.

Present tense can work, indicating a shift from history to what is going on during the game. "As civilisation becomes more complex, more domains need governing beyond Her abilities, so more ascend, 12 in all, to join the 12 already above."

I can't change the tense and make the wording sound quite right. Eh, I think it works better - gives "raised" a rest. It needs it, it was being worked pretty hard. :)

travisjhall
Sep. 24th, 2008 12:31 am (UTC)

Can't change the tense while retaining "raised" and make the wording sound right, that is.

halloranelder
Sep. 24th, 2008 04:31 am (UTC)
I've tweaked that paragraph again.

I actually want to keep raised in there. It's used four times throughout the blurb, deliberately. They did not ascend, She raised them above, a big difference.
travisjhall
Sep. 24th, 2008 05:12 am (UTC)

Well, it'll have to stay past tense, then (as you have). "more are raised" and "more are being raised" don't flow.

towkarn
Sep. 24th, 2008 12:15 am (UTC)
Sounds very fun! ^^

Damnit, why can't I be there for Arcanacon? *pouts* Stupid lack of money and free time...
halloranelder
Sep. 24th, 2008 04:41 am (UTC)
Flights between Canberra and Melbourne can be had for about $106 each way ($95 base cost + $8 luggage + $3 credit card booking fee per flight) leaving 6:30, 9:00 or 10:00 Friday morning (since Arc doesn't start until 2:00pm on Friday), and coming back early Tuesday morning (first flight leaves 7:30am to arrive 8:30am).

So, it's not that too expensive in terms of travel cost. The most pressing question is can you afford the time? You would be away 4 days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday) and back early on Tuesday so you could (theoretically) get right back into life on Tuesday.

My bed is available to stay in (yes, I know you're attached, I won't touch unless you say I can) and if you need to I can book the tickets on your behalf and you can pay me back.

Up to you. Since you're intending to move down here anyway (if Steffi gets her way) it might be a good opportunity to mix with Melbourne's roleplaying crowd and get to meet people before you actually comit.

Edited at 2008-09-24 04:43 am (UTC)
towkarn
Sep. 24th, 2008 05:11 am (UTC)
Well, it's very nearly impossible for me to get Fridays off work, especially before 2pm. Having Monday off wouldn't be too hard, in comparison at least.

Besides, if I go to Melbourne again now, I'll be tempted to go to Victorian Gothic again, and that will drain my money quickly... Hell, even if I couldn't afford anything in there (that I wanted), I'd probably end up broke by the end of the day anyway.

Plus, I'm currently still paying off debt to Shannon... Once I'm finished paying that back, I can start saving at least $200 a week, and all will be well.

And thank you for the offer of your bed, but next time I go to Melbourne, Andrew will probably want to come with me, and I'm not sure if your bed could fit the three of us :P And if it did, I'd end up being the victim of everything going on all night!
towkarn
Sep. 24th, 2008 05:14 am (UTC)
Hahaha, oh, I love gmail... As soon as I read your reply to my comment in my inbox, it started coming up with links to "Cheap Melbourne Flights" :P
halloranelder
Sep. 24th, 2008 06:42 am (UTC)
Well, I am getting the new mattress delivered on Saturday. It will need "breaking in" eventually... :)

Anyway, in that case, look at Conquest over Easter, 10th to 13th of April.

Hopefully we'll see you down here then, if we don't see you sooner.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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Desert Rose

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire
Those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire
And in the flames
Her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire

This desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

And as she turns
This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams
This fire burns
I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of rain
I lift my gaze to empty skies above
I close my eyes
This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of her love

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Sweet desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

Sweet desert rose
This memory of Eden haunts us all
This desert flower
This rare perfume, is the sweet intoxication of the fall

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