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Before | After

Goodbye...

In about 20 minutes I will be calling a taxi to begin the process of going home.

I don't want to go.

I have to, but I don't want to.

The last two weeks have been a real eye-opener for me, showing me a lot of what I'm missing, both in the world and in me.

I don't think it's going to take long for the walls to go back up once I'm back in Brisbane (you try living in an ultra-conservative, parochial, large country town with delusions of grandeur), but I have enjoyed this last week and a bit with the walls down and me not stressing about anything.

I have decided. I will be moving away from Brisbane to Melbourne. It won't happen for a few year (I want to make use of being an hours drive away from my parents for a while before I move) but it is going to happen, guaranteed.

I love you all. Thank you.

Comments

catdraco
Apr. 5th, 2005 07:22 pm (UTC)
(you try living in an ultra-conservative, parochial, large country town with delusions of grandeur)

Evidently I see Brisbane rather differently to you - perhaps it's because I live on the South side. =P

Each to his own, and Brisbane is certainly not to everyone's taste. =) What stands out for me from your post is the way you feel where you live causes something to be "missing" in you, or causes "walls" to go up.

As someone who has moved several times to get away from her problems, or "make a new start", my only advice is the one thing you always take with you is you. Moving can bring you new opportunities, new places, new faces, but it can't fix anything inside you.

Just something to consider, maybe. Or perhaps you have already thought about this, in which case feel free to tell me to cork my cakehole. =)
lokicarbis
Apr. 5th, 2005 08:08 pm (UTC)
I'm inclined to agree - I found the same thing some years ago when I tried moving to Sydney for several months. "No matter where you go, there you are."

Of course, there is also a case to be made for something akin to symptomatic relief, allowing you to get past the surface level and concentrate on what's really at stake here.

It's your call AJ, of course, but I highly recommend that you consider the move through these two prisms, and see which one fits better. There is a big difference in visiting a place and living there.
ozisim
Apr. 5th, 2005 08:34 pm (UTC)
I disagree.
It took me moving states to work out who I really was.
Once I knew that, I could start believing in me, not an ideal of me.
Consequently, I'm waaaay more stable now than I have been in almost a decade.
lokicarbis
Apr. 5th, 2005 08:48 pm (UTC)
*shrug* I guess each of us must learn to deal with these things in their own way :)
the_tao
Apr. 5th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)
Which is a part of the point.

It took me moving to England to figure out that Melbourne was home and exactly what that meant, but I would never have come to that understanding if I had not moved to England.

Sometimes the journey is the reason...
ozisim
Apr. 5th, 2005 10:06 pm (UTC)
The fact that the 'from' was Canberra, and the 'to' was Sydney had alot to do with things too...
lokicarbis
Apr. 6th, 2005 07:12 am (UTC)
Actually, the from was Melbourne...

But don't let the facts get in the way of your theories :)
nicked_metal
Apr. 6th, 2005 07:35 am (UTC)
I'm pretty sure ozisim remembers whether she moved from Canberra to Sydney or not.
ozisim
Apr. 6th, 2005 07:48 am (UTC)
Actually, that's pretty funny...(but another story)
I don't trust my memory when it comes to Canberra, but I have reliable witnesses...
ozisim
Apr. 6th, 2005 07:42 am (UTC)
My theory, my facts.
I was referring to myself.
lokicarbis
Apr. 6th, 2005 07:56 am (UTC)
My apologies. I really should know better than to reply to anything when I'm this tired.
halloranelder
Apr. 6th, 2005 12:40 am (UTC)
Thanks for the thoughts, both of you. I understand where you are coming from, but there is one thing that you may not have thought of the full implications of.

I am gay.

Brisbane is very red-neck in some of it's attitudes. It's attitude on homosexuality is one of those. I saw many times a pair of people of the same sex wandering down the streets in Melbourne holding hands. There is no way I would see the same thing here in Brisbane.

The constant reminder that "my kind" aren't welcome here hurts. Constantly having to pretend to be someone I'm not just so I don't get beaten up on the street is not something I want to live with.

I find the people in Melbourne are more open and accepting than most of the people here are. catdraco, you are an exception to that, and for that I thank you, but unfortunatly you are not part of the majority.

That level of acceptance is something I am looking for.

Plus lots of great friends (I have more friends in Melbourne than I do in Brisbane) has made up my mind.

But thanks again for your words. I will think on them, I promise.
missedangel
Apr. 6th, 2005 03:34 am (UTC)
hey, I'm part of that Brisbane you're refering to....
and my neck is not red, or at least it was green when I looked in the mirror at lunch time...who would have thought preschool teaching could be so messy...any how I digress.
The point is we do still love you and there is always going to be a place for you if you decide to go or stay :) (and stop painting me with that brush, the children have already had a go today)
halloranelder
Apr. 6th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
Hmm, no, your neck isn't red. I see some purple, green, yellow and, let me have a look, yep, there's a bit of blue underneath your left ear.

Thanks. *hugs*
ozisim
Apr. 6th, 2005 04:45 am (UTC)
I hear ya!
It took me 5 years to convcince my family that my "lifestyle" was not a "phase". (their uncomfortable way of phrasing things, not mine)
I can now be euphamatic about stuff, not just straight out avoid telling them what (and who) I'm doing!
Progress!
I was able to talk to my sister for a full half hour yesterday without her saying that I should move back into home, and go back to uni and be a lawyer or a doctor or something...
Oh! And me and Da had a 15 min conversation about lightsabre-building techniques today!

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Desert Rose

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire
Those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire
And in the flames
Her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire

This desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

And as she turns
This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams
This fire burns
I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of rain
I lift my gaze to empty skies above
I close my eyes
This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of her love

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Sweet desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

Sweet desert rose
This memory of Eden haunts us all
This desert flower
This rare perfume, is the sweet intoxication of the fall

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