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Before | After

Qantas Problem Solving...

We've probably heard these before, but I think it's time to share again...

After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
paradigmshifty
Apr. 18th, 2005 09:15 pm (UTC)
I want to know what QANTAS are up to that we don't know about that their aircraft require a target radar...
greenglowgrrl
Apr. 19th, 2005 01:41 am (UTC)
It's to go with the IFF (Identification Friend or Foe) Transponder Set. They've decided that seeing they are losing the price wars to Virgin, they are going to try a different tactic...
designadrug
Apr. 19th, 2005 03:32 am (UTC)
Its because the majority of these reports do not come from Qantas, they come from the military. I first heard most of them in 1992 from a friend who worked as an Instrument Fitter for the RAAF at Amberley in Queensland (working mostly on Hercs and F111's). He later worked for Qantas at their maintenance yard in Melbourne. I suspect he might have started the first draft of this (Go Nick!).
designadrug
Apr. 19th, 2005 05:33 am (UTC)
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


The original I heard was:
P: Lost #3 Engine in flight
S: Found #3 Engine between propellor and firewall
draquin
Apr. 18th, 2005 09:28 pm (UTC)
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
Technically not true, but we'd like to believe it. I'll find the Flight Safety mag with a copy of the incident report. It's around here somewhere......
mrrantypants
Apr. 18th, 2005 09:49 pm (UTC)
Qantas runway overrun - oops
This will do for starters :)
greenglowgrrl
Apr. 19th, 2005 01:32 am (UTC)
Ah, but even a critical incident is not technically an accident, only a precursor.
nicked_metal
Apr. 19th, 2005 02:55 am (UTC)
The accurate version is that they're the only major airline that has never had a crash.
designadrug
Apr. 19th, 2005 03:29 am (UTC)
I think it might be true - because the difference between an "accident" and an "incident" is whether or not you have to look for the Flight Data Recorder.
gypsyamber
Apr. 19th, 2005 04:39 am (UTC)
roflmao

*wipes tears from eyes*

thanks for sharing!
madilayn
Apr. 23rd, 2005 08:22 pm (UTC)
**giggles hysterically**. Just what I needed!
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )

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I dream of rain
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This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of her love

I dream of rain
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I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Sweet desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

Sweet desert rose
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