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Arc Blurb

Well, my Arc blurb is basically done.

It says everything I want to say, but no quite how I want to say it. I'm not sure what I need to change yet, so I'm opening it up to the floor.

Have a look at it, and tell me what you think. All comments and advice listened to, but not necessarily followed.

Edit: I've just changed it due to some others advice. Same location.

Comments

fengshuiguy
Sep. 23rd, 2008 10:49 am (UTC)
Probably my biggest point to make is that I don't know the feel of the game from the blurb, only the subject matter: that it contains gods. A female Spirit of the Land gives some clues as to the feel of things, but it's a hint.

(as someone who hasn't played the other freeforms, the note that it shares themes with two other games doesn't tell me anything - it's much more accessible to just state what those themes are)

I'd want to know what those 24 gods are there for - what's the purpose/aim of the freeform?

Of course, it coudl be that all of that is in there, and I'm dense.
halloranelder
Sep. 23rd, 2008 12:08 pm (UTC)
Thanks for your advice. I've given it a re-write, and the new version is up at the same location.

As for the other freeforms, since all three are planned to run at Arc next year, I doubt very much you've played them. :)
travisjhall
Sep. 24th, 2008 12:31 am (UTC)

The note is to advise of the connection, not to allow you to draw conclusions based on those other games. They are to be presented as a set (pending Arc approval, of course), though players are welcome to play only one or two if they wish.

We'll turn those references into links in the final version, too, which will help. We just don't have the three blurbs hosted in a coherent structure yet. (All three exist on the web, but Nick hasn't opened his up for public critique. While I'm commenting here in the open, I've got a lot to say about Random's blurb because I'm a co-writer.)

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Desert Rose

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of fire
Those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire
And in the flames
Her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire

This desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

And as she turns
This way she moves in the logic of all my dreams
This fire burns
I realize that nothing's as it seems

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

I dream of rain
I lift my gaze to empty skies above
I close my eyes
This rare perfume is the sweet intoxication of her love

I dream of rain
I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I wake in vain
I dream of love as time runs through my hand

Sweet desert rose
Each of her veils, a secret promise
This desert flower
No sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this

Sweet desert rose
This memory of Eden haunts us all
This desert flower
This rare perfume, is the sweet intoxication of the fall

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